Pain and love

I'm not sure I'm doing this right but thought I'd give it a shot. I have many roles that consume my life, so many that I'm not sure I ever figured myself out without those defining roles. I have always been a daughter and sister and became a mother at the tender age of 18. I do have to confess that being a mother is my favorite​ part of my life and gives me the most meaning and enjoyment. I had my first son while I was a senior in high school. My teacher Mrs. Hoffman custome made my son Brandin a matching cap and gown, he was so adorable with his big bright eyes and pudgy cheeks. He is now graduating from highschool in a few weeks!!! I hope I didn't mess him up too much lol I really did give it my all and love him with all of my heart. I really don't know how it happened so fast. I would best describe the last 19 years of my life as a white knuckle ride through a beautiful storm. I feel like I have weathered a lot of difficulties that make me feel a lot older than I am. I have been a sole financial provider for my family which has proved to be next to impossible. I am now finding time for myself and feel the need for self reflection. Before I became a mother I would describe myself as a little girl lost. I had a very disfunctional childhood and had suffered terrible abuse (not from my parents) from the ages of 2 to 6 which still effects me to this day. My parents fought a lot when I was little so I learned early about chaos and violence. The most important thing I learned about those two subjects was that I wanted nothing to do with either one. My mom had come from a severely abusive household. I spent many years listening to all of the horrendous stories of abuse that tore my mother and her siblings apart at the core. I had a really good imagination so I could really picture all of the scenes as they described them and could even smell the blood. They had been neglected by their parents and taken away by the state at age 4. My mom had to take on the role of mother and protector from her earliest memories. She had to feed her little brother and sister by forging thru dumpsters in the ghetto while my grandparents battled their demons. My grandfather was a WWII veteran and had PTSD and my grandmother was a hard core alcoholic and had 15 children. After the state stepped in they were placed into the foster system where she was abused in several different foster homes and even poisoned by a crazy woman. She was eventually adopted by a couple who had lost their children in a house fire and were actually wanted in Ireland on charges related to the deaths. They were told all the time that their parents didn't want them and they should've been the ones to die. I could go on for hours and probably write a book from all of the stories I have heard over and over. My mother prayed for two weeks straight for her adopted father to die which actually worked, God is real. She met my father who was her night in shining armor but turned out not to be the family man she had always dreamt about. My dad was a free spirit and was not your typical family man that she was trying to turn him into. They divorced when I was 6 or 7.  After the divorce and my oldest brothers life threatening chronic disease my mom was lost and best down.  She did the best she could with the strength she had left in her. One thing I can say my mom never lacked giving us was love which has helped shape me into the person I am. I am forever grateful for love because it beats all of the things that are put into our lives that should completely break us.